I first had occasion to have sadly heard
This strange, irritating four letter word
Spoken by a bloke with a bowling ball head
To a friend in the street, who responded and said
A rattle of vowels in a rapid slur:
“A-E-U-A-R, A, E-I-O-E-U-Er.”
To speak in this way is a curse, not a gift:
They were suffering from consonantal drift.
“E-U-A-R,” said the boy on the phone to his mother.
“E-U-A-R,” said the girls who are clones of each other.
“O-M-G,” came the answer from their Ticky Tok friend
Whose only conversation is clicking on Send.
Our language has 24 consonant sounds
But vowels are enough for these verbal trend-hounds
For now to speak clearly is branded as posh
Like saying “Good morning” or having a wash.
So slap on the Dulux and tighten your jeans.
Let’s all dress in hoodies and stare at our screens.
Then let’s all agree to scrap vowels as well:
Just message emojis or the clink of a bell.
Neither dialect nor regional variation,
But just simply very poor enunciation.
We’re too shy to sound vaguely educated
So our language, and its meaning, are emasculated.
But the world’s full of words indiscriminately shuffled
With facts contradictory and messages muffled:
So I’ll “E-U-A -R” and give you a call
In a future where words will mean nothing at all.